Lake of the Four Seasons Barbie: She comes with an assortment of Prada Handbags, a Lexus SUV, and a longhaired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie cutter $500,000 house. Available with or without tummy tuck, boob job and face lift. Workaholic Ken PHD, sold in conjunction with "augmented" version. Skipper comes with her own coke mirror, easy access skirt, and keys to Workaholic Kens BMW.

Highland Barbie: This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She comes complete with a double stroller and two perfect blonde infants and a nanny to take care of them. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education, due to all the PTA meetings. She drinks Martini’s and enjoys watching “Desperate Housewives”. Baby Phat cell phone and Kenneth Cole doll sold separately.

St. John Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and "The Country Club" membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be ale to afford any of them.

Crown Point Barbie: This country Barbie comes with cowboy hat, boots, and roll of Skoal. She can ride 8 seconds on “Fu Man Chu” (sold separate) and enjoys drinking Miller Genuine Draft while Deerhunter Ken spends all day in the forest. Her friend Skipper is a coked up slut that hops from bar to bar on the weekends but has a prestigious career as a Dental Hygienist during the day.

Kouts Barbie: Kouts Barbie comes with its own XLR-900 John Deere Tractor. Wardrobe includes a "Where the hell is Kouts" Tshirt, Dickies overalls, and a camouflage Skoal baseball cap. Kouts Ken used to be available until the tragic "tipping" accident. Pull Skippers string and hear her say “If you buy us beer, I’ll put yer thangy in my mouth!”

Portage Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans too sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She comes with a six pack of Bud and a Hank Williams Jr CD. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's but when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Gary Barbie: This doll comes with its own 9mm handgun, a ’78 Lincoln Continental with blacked out windows and a $35,000 stereo system. However her flea market Prada purse only comes with food stamps and Kool Cigarettes. Gary Barbie comes with 6 babies from 5 different fathers. All of whom are guests of the state. Gangsta Ken will be available in stores after his nickel in Westville Prison for raping Gary Barbie’s best friend, Skipper the transvestite hooker.

Lake Station Barbie: A mistake in the molding of this doll produced a Caucasian version of the Gary Barbie. She comes with a ’92 Pontiac Sunbird with a Puerto Rican flag hanging from the mirror and 10 pounds of pot in the trunk. Although she is only holding it for Ken who spends a lot of time at Déjà vu.

Munster Barbie: This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Psychiatrist Ken comes with his own prescription pad and his younger secretary Skipper with the kung fu grip and permanently open mouth for easy access. Percocet and Darvocet prescriptions sold separately.

Hobart Barbie: This tobacco-chewing, brassy haired Barbie has a pair of high heeled sandals with one broken heal from the time she chased beer-gut Ken out of Skippers trailer. Her ensemble includes low rise acid washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see through halter top. Armed with three weeks of beauty school Hobart Barbie hopes to some day open a weave shop on Ridge Road as a front so her boyfriend Ken can sell pot out the back door to kids. Also available with a mobile home or Ford Pinto.

Valpo Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She likes to sit at Broadway Café and drink coffee with her stoner friends and talk about how wonderful the world would be if Gerry Garcia were still alive. She does not want or need Ken, but if you purchase two Barbie’s and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

Hammond Barbie: This Barbie now comes with a stroller and an infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. She attends welding school at night and also mops the floors at the adult bookstore video arcade off of 94. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Dyer Barbie/Ken: This versatile doll can easily be converted from Barbie to Ken simply by adding or subtracting the multiple "snap on" parts. Free packs of lottery tickets and beer on Sundays if you buy the Illinois Stateline Barbie.

Hebron Barbie: Comes with a pull string on back which makes her talk incessantly about her neighbors. Hebron Barbie comes with its own electric and Phone Company since no one else’s is good enough. Also comes with Policeman Ken and his underage entourage of Skipper dolls. Squad car with fold down seats sold separately.

Thought for the Day

Some people are like Slinkies.

Not really good for anything,
but still bring a smile to your face...

When you push them down a flight of stairs.

5 Levels of a Hangover

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively
well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel
this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.


Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have
the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only
increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity
pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite
havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.


Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the
flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life
would be better right now if you were home in your bed in your pajamas
watching I love Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of
water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.


Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you
might puke. Your boss has already ambasted you for being late and has
given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that
can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the
ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper
cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your
sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you
take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the
bathroom.


Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka Vapor is seeping out of every
pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners
of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants
of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so
your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the
hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to
defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid
with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems
to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty
good about right now....